


Of Growing Up

by Homicidal Whispers (HomicidalWhispers)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-31
Updated: 2012-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-17 12:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/551320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomicidalWhispers/pseuds/Homicidal%20Whispers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which two boys realize they are idiots and subsequently grow the fuck up.<br/>Inspired by "Real Men Wear Tights"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Growing Up

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Real Men Wear Tights](https://archiveofourown.org/works/469179) by [Bananaramses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananaramses/pseuds/Bananaramses), [SergeantMeow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SergeantMeow/pseuds/SergeantMeow). 



> A few liberties are taken here, since I wrote this while my internet was out in Frankenstorm, so there was no way I couldcheck it with RMWT or ask at the tumblr site…

John sighed, snapping handcuffs on the three perpetrators he had just captured. They had struggled more than usual -- most either attempted to run or gave themselves up when they realized it was Heir after them. One had even landed a solid blow on him while he had been distracted with the other two. He tugged down his mask and goggles and felt the back of his head gingerly for lumps. It didn’t hurt too badly, but that didn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t serious.

There was a gentle tap of boots landing on the sidewalk behind him, signaling Hemogoblin’s arrival. John grinned; he and Hemogoblin had met each other at the same crime scene several more times in the months that had passed since their first meeting. They worked well together and had managed to strike up some kind of unofficial partnership and even a guarded friendship.

“You’re late,” John told him. “I already finished up here.”

“There were two more a couple of blocks down. They were planning on meeting up to finish off the job,” Hemogoblin answered. “I only came to make sure you had these under control.”

He gestured lazily to the sullen prisoners on the floor. “I got them. One did manage to hit me, though, I think with some kind of metal. Maybe a pipe.”

“Are you all right?” John could hear the frown in his voice.

“Fine,” he said, turning around. He remembered too late that his mask wasn’t on. Panicked, he pulled it up, but the damage was done. He could already see the glimmer of recognition in Hemogoblin’s eyes. They were of a similar age, John remembered. It was very likely that they went to the same school and even if he didn’t, John didn’t exactly keep a low profile as the star of his school’s swim team. Students from other high schools might very well recognize him, as well.

His father would be so disappointed -- he reminded John time and again to keep his wits about him and err on the side of caution. He only ever had the best of intentions; John knew perfectly well the risks of his true identity being revealed and all the ways it could be used against him. Yet, he had not done at his father advised. Already, he could imagine the consequences.

“John?”

John slammed the breaks on that panicked train of thought and steered his mind-train in a violently different direction. That voice was one of recognition, yes. But there was more, confusion and betrayal, and those he couldn’t understand. Hemogoblin turned and fled, climbing dexterously up the side of the building he had just jumped down from without any equipment, as usual. John considered chasing after him, stopping him, extracting a promise to keep this secret, but in the end he just watched him go. The wind surrounded him, urging him to a new location and to a new crime. He took to the air with a heavier heart than he could ever remember having before.

It was still early and it was an abnormally active night. He knew intellectually that he needed to concentrate, especially having already taken an injury, so he made a conscious effort to push any distracting thoughts away. On his way home, though, there was nothing to impugn on them. The wind sensed his displeasure and tried to cheer him, flirting and dancing about him, but to no avail.

He was grateful his father was asleep when he arrived home. He didn’t want to face him, definitely not now and preferably not ever. Instead, he went upstairs and washed his outfit before falling face first into bed. Unable to sleep, he tossed and turned, thinking about the interaction.

There was something bugging him about the whole thing. Why would Hemogoblin sound so bewildered, so astounded? John didn’t owe him anything. There was no reason why he _would_ have told him, and Hemogoblin hadn’t seemed particularly eager to reveal his own identity, either. So then, it made sense that it wasn’t Hemogoblin who was shocked, it was whoever he really was.

But even then, it still didn’t make much sense. Many people knew John, certainly, from either the swim team or as one of his school’s star academics. Everyone knew that he kept to himself, so no one would expect them to tell him any huge secrets. He only had one friend, really, so he would be the only one who had reason to be so disconcerted by the accidental revelation. That would mean Karkat was Hemogoblin, which made no sense. There was no way Karkat was a superhero.

He tried thinking about it logically. Hemogoblin had rather large horns, but if they were fake, Karkat could easily hide his small ones under them. He was incredibly fit, which would explain Karkat’s constant baggy clothes and his reluctance to change into swimming trunks if he was trying to hide it. Hemogoblin was around his age, Karkat was also. There was no proof that Karkat was as strong or as flexible as Hemogoblin, but that didn’t mean he definitely wasn’t. It _would_ explain Karkat’s unusual apathy towards the Hero.

The proof wasn’t unquestionable, but John was convinced enough. Satisfied, he finally fell asleep.

The next morning, he woke and began preparing for the day as usual. When his father called him for breakfast, he went, sitting across the table for him. Dad had the newspaper open in front of him. There was nothing on the front page about his identity, but he still squirmed in anxiety while his father flipped through to the end.

“Did something go wrong last night?” he asked. “You seem strangely concerned about what’s in the news today.”

John jumped and looked down. “I got hurt,” he said.

“Is it bad?”

“I’m not sure. It doesn’t hurt too much, but you should probably check it out just to be sure.”

“All right, after you finish eating, then. Is there anything else?”

“Someone found out who I was,” he blurted. “It’s my fault, I was being stupid and I wasn’t paying attention and my guard was down.”

Slowly, Dad folded his newspaper and set it aside. “Who was it?”

“Hemogoblin,” John admitted. “But I think I know who he is, too. I think he’s Karkat.” He explained his reasoning.

Dad nodded slowly. “It’s very possible. When you go to school today, try to ascertain if this is true or not. Do some damage control, as it were. If you cannot, it’s very likely that we’ll have to move.”

“Okay.” John finished his meal, relaying the other important details he learned last night, including the sudden surge of aggression once the criminals realized they were caught. He and his father headed downstairs for their daily work-out and his Dad pronounced his head fine. He went back upstairs, dressed, and left for school.

At this point, there was no more doubt in his mind – Karkat was Hemogoblin. He thought maybe he wouldn’t show up to school, but when John arrived at Karkat’s locker, he was there waiting. “Hi, Karkat.”

“There you are, John, what took you? Look, I know we had plans for this afternoon, but I’m going to have to cancel. I have to go get some groceries and supplies for my useless, demanding lusus.”

“You can stop lying. I know you’re Hemogoblin.” Karkat gave him a disbelieving look over the rim of his glasses, but he persevered. “And I know you know I’m Heir.”

He exhaled sharply. “So it is you. You _lied_ to me.”

“You lied to me, too!”

“Oh, don’t start with me, John. Let’s not play that stupid ‘who did what worse’ game, we’re not wrigglers. It doesn’t change the fact that you should’ve told me.”

All around the hallway, people were beginning to stare and whispers were starting up. Karkat noticed too. He slammed his locker shut. “Look, we’ll talk after school. Meet me by our tree.” He paused. “Don’t talk to me before then.”

John watched his best friend walk away from him and wondered if they could even still be considered that. He groaned and slammed his head against the locker.

It was torturous, having so many classes together, sitting so close to each other, but not saying anything. The expression on Karkat’s face at the sight of him didn’t change throughout the entire day; tight-lipped silence, contained anger, silent regret. Everyone noticed, even the teachers. John got tired of the pitying, questioning looks sent his way.

After school, Karkat went to his locker again but John headed straight for the tree. A few minutes later, Karkat joined him. “Not here,” he said immediately. “My house or yours?”

“Mine,” John answered. “My dad’s not home yet.”

“Fine.”

They walked in silence. It was beginning to get chilly again, John thought, watching Karkat zip up his sweater. The fifteen minute walk to his house took hours.

They ascended to John’s room upon arrival, dropping their bags off in the living room. It was silent for a moment until Karkat said, “Can I see it?”

John didn’t have to ask for clarification. He carefully unpinned the Captain America poster and unlocked the safe to show Heir’s outfit. Karkat touched it, assessing the fabric, hefting Casey into his arms.

“You really are Heir, aren’t you? I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I bet you thought it was fun, having someone hero-worship you every day. Is that why you chose me, so that you’d be able to hang saving my life hanging over my head?”

“That’s not true and you know it, Karkat. That’s unfair.”

“Is it? How would I know? Because the fact is, you lied to me and I can’t see any reason why!” Karkat said.

“You _know_ why I didn’t tell you,” John shouted back. “You _know_ I’m in love with you. Telling you I was Heir? When you have that totally obvious crush on him? Don’t lie. You would’ve dated me and only seen him!”

“ _That’s_ your excuse? You’re the same person, that’s the whole point!”

“ _Excuse_?” John thought he could pull his hair out. “You don’t know how many times I thought about telling you, all the different ways I considered showing you. You don’t know how much I thought about it, I trusted you enough to tell you. But I couldn’t stand the thought of you only wanting me because I was Heir.”

“What, and you don’t have a crush on Hemogoblin?” Karkat stared pointedly at the several posters he had accumulated over the months. “How is that any different? I’ve seen the way you look at me as Heir, you know. How is it any different?”

John stared. “I have a crush on Hemogoblin, sure. But I’m in love with _you_ , since before Hemogoblin existed. You might not like it, but there’s my reason. Where’s yours? Did you even have one?”

He crossed his arms. “I’m not obliged to explain anything to you, John, but I was going to tell you. Soon.”

“Oh, _sure_ you were, Karkat. You’re such a hypocrite, getting on my case for not telling you I’m a Hero when you did the same exact thing. At least I have a reason.”

“If you won’t believe me, then I guess that’s all I have to say,” Karkat replied, tone icy. “I’ll see myself out.”

“Wait, Karkat,” John said.

“Why should I? You’ve made it quite clear that you don’t believe me, and I believe I’ve made my own position clear. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Your secret’s safe.” He bent, retrieved his bag and left the room. John didn’t follow him. Seconds later, he heard the sound of the door clicking shut.

When his dad got home a few hours later, he was still sitting where he’d been when Karkat left. “Is everything all right, son?”

“Karkat won’t tell,” he answered. “But I don’t think we’re friends anymore.”

“Oh, son,” Dad said. He wrapped his arms around him on the bed while John made a valiant effort not to cry.

\--

“John!”

John turned instinctively towards the sound of his name. Kanaya walked towards him with purpose and he stopped to allow her to catch up.

“John, did you and Karkat break up? I’ve noticed you aren’t hanging out as much and he’s seemed very depressed lately…”

“Karkat and I were never dating,” John told her, bewildered. “And he seems to be getting on just fine to me.”

“Nonsense.” Kanaya smiled a private smile. “I know you were trying to keep it a secret for whatever reason, but you don’t need to lie to me. I won’t tell. And of course he pretends to be fine to your face, but when you’re not around, that’s another story.”

It had been nearly two weeks since their fight. It was strange to think Karkat was only pretending to not care; John had tried to apologize multiple times since then and had been ignored each time. In each class they shared, Karkat barely looked in his direction. He’d found new people to sit with and talk to at lunch. For all intents and purposes, he seemed perfectly all right.

John, on the other hand, was noticeably distraught. Although he’d given up trying to make Karkat talk to him, he spent class distracted because he was staring. He spent his nights as Heir looking for Hemogoblin (who had all but disappeared) every chance he got. He made the effort to arrive at school a few minutes earlier each day to leave Karkat’s coffee in his locker before he got there and then hide around a corner to watch the brief smile on his face when he saw it.

“Look,” Kanaya said gently, “all I’m saying is give him a chance, okay? He’s confused. I have a feeling he’s going to come to you soon, so don’t rebuff him when he does.”

“I’ll keep what you said in mind.”

“That’s all I’m asking for,” she told him.

Either Kanaya was a mind-reader or she knew more than she let on, because that very day Karkat approached him after school.

“Karkat!”

“John,” he answered quietly. He held up a slim spiral notebook with a black cover. “Do you recognize this?” John squinted at it. It was a very innocuous book, easily overlooked, but John thought he did remember it.

“It’s usually on your bookshelf, right? Between your Ancestors and Avengers comics?”

Karkat nodded. “Yes. It’s my journal. I’m giving it to you. I’ve bookmarked a page – read anything after that. I’m trusting you to not read before. Take as long as you need.” He shoved it into John’s hands and turned towards the parking lot.

“What is this supposed to do?” John asked his retreating back. “What’s it for?”

“It’s the best way I can think of explaining,” Karkat called back. “The only way I can think of that you’ll believe.”

Karkat sped up, signaling the conversation as over. Out of courtesy, John, knowing that they went the same way, circled around to the empty back courtyard of the school and rode the wind home.

At home, he set the journal carefully aside. He spent an unnecessarily long time on his homework, cleaned up the house, cooked dinner for himself and his father – anything to procrastinate reading it. He was afraid of what he’d find in there.

Finally, he could think of nothing else to do. He sat down at the kitchen table and flipped through it. The first page was dated from just under four years ago. Over three quarters of the pages were filled. As he flipped the pages, he saw a multitude of ink colors, watched Karkat’s handwriting change from day to day – neater on some days, messier on the days he was tired or annoyed. Ink blotches and coffee stains dotted random pages; corners were dog-eared and bent from years of use.

After reaching the end, he went back to the bookmarked page and began reading entries at random. The first one, if he had his dates correct, was from only a couple of days before they met.

**_August 21, 2012  
_ ** _Way to fucking go, me. Clearly, I deserve some kind of medal. I’d place first in the ‘Most Useless Troll’ relay, or get gold in the ‘Sobbing Like a Wriggler and Needing to be Rescued’ Olympics._

_I just got home from nearly dying. It wouldn’t have even been an impressive death, either. I wouldn’t mind dying heroically or even amusingly, but this would have been a seriously depressing way to go. On my way back from getting Crabdad more food (because the fatass ran out), some idiots decided to rob a bank just as I walked by. Cops pulled up seconds later, bullets started firing, and there I was, stuck in the middle of it with bags full of canned Delicious Deluxe Lusus Delights._

_It happened so quickly, there was no way I would’ve gotten out of there alive. If I tried running, they would have probably taken me hostage, or killed me just for the hell of it. Instead, I ducked behind a car. One of the windows shattered above my head from a gunshot. I didn’t even dare look around the corner. Instead, I just sat there, crying to myself like a newborn._

_And then Heir flew in and just, I don’t know, fucking carried me off to safety. My weight didn’t even faze him. I wish I had gotten to say thank you, at least, but he had more important things to take care of. I bet he doesn’t even remember me._

_But I remember him. He’s amazing, you know. That close, I could tell he wasn’t much older than me, a few years at most. He doesn’t get paid for it, either. He saves people and he keeps this town safe just because he wants to. I wish I could do what he did._

**_August 25, 2012  
_ ** _I guess my close call a few days back really scared him, because Crabdad’s been freaking out and worrying ever since then. He barely lets me leave the apartment anymore, which is stupid because I ended up dropping most of his food at the bank. He’ll starve if he doesn’t let me out soon._

_Crabdad decided we should move yesterday, just out of the fucking blue. He decided the city is too dangerous for an adolescent troll and bought a new house in the middle of the suburbs. God knows how he even managed to find it and buy it so quickly. I had to say goodbye to all my friends and pack in a matter of hours. I didn’t even have any help, seeing as Crabdad would end up breaking more than he packed. On the plus side, though, we’ll have more space so we’ll be able to take most of our things out of storage._

_Today was the first day of school. I was exhausted, since I had just moved in one night, but it wasn’t bad. I had to go to the principal to sort out my schedule, but she was nice enough about putting me in the right classes. I even knew a few people – Kanaya used to live by my old apartment before she moved a few years back. I met some people, too. There was a kid named John. He was kind of annoyingly persistent, but he seems nice enough. He kind of reminds me of Heir a little bit, actually. They have similar looking hair._

_Speaking of Heir, I found a couple of posters of him. They look pretty accurate from what I can tell, I wonder if he posed for them? Did they have references? Maybe the artists took some candids of him? He’s pretty fit, though. I wonder if its genetics or if he worked out? Maybe it’s just something he was born with, like I’m assuming his Wind powers were? I wonder why he wears the goggles – is it just from being in the sky all the time or is it something else? I suppose they could be to hide the color of his eyes, but that seems a little elaborate. He could just wear contacts for that._

**_August 27, 2012  
_ ** _John’s just as into comics as I am, surprise, surprise. No, really, I’m actually surprised. I never thought I’d find another kid as into comics as I am, and he even likes the real life superheroes too. A lot of people tend to ignore them, even though I think they’re even better. Take Heir, for example. He does what he does just because he likes saving people. He faces a lot of danger every night all in the interest of protecting us. Not to mention having powers like that is so fascinating; being born with the power to control something as willful as the air itself. I wonder if there’s any science behind it. Does he control the entire atmosphere, or just the oxygen particles? Is it only the sky, or is it anywhere there’s gas?_

_John and I have a lot more in common than just comics. We’re both in a lot of advanced classes and we’re both in the Bio Club. He doesn’t share my love of cinematography, but he’s willing to listen to my rants and that’s good enough. He doesn’t get put off by my demeanor like most people, either. I think he’s pretty much realized that I have no brain-to-mouth filter and that I don’t mean most of what I say, already. He finds it funny, even. What kind of idiot thinks it’s funny to be insulted?_

_He’s started buying me coffee in the mornings. I may need to marry him._

**_October 1, 2012  
_ ** _My lusus is a ginormous fucking fatass and that is really all there is to say on the matter._

**_November 3, 2012  
_ ** _I found a new Heir poster today. I bought it, of course, but I won’t hang this one up. John doesn’t seem to be all that interested in Heir, despite his claims. I wonder why?_

**_November 21, 2012  
_ ** _John told me when he first met that he wasn’t hitting on me. I’m not saying that I think he was lying, but I’m picking up some definite hints of crushing from his vantage point. I don’t think he even notices it, actually, but I am well-versed in the topic of romance. Nothing escapes me._

_His eyes are really blue. I wonder if anyone’s ever told him that._

**_December 10, 2012  
_ ** _When I first met John, Kanaya told me that he kept to himself a lot. As far as I can tell, this is true. He has acquaintances, but he doesn’t seem to have any real friends other than myself. And this is something that he chose for himself, clearly. He has no shortage of admirers and people willing to befriend him, not with his looks and his intelligence. He’s the star of the swim team (with the body of what could be called a demi-god) and one of the smartest kids in the grade. He’s not exactly stand-offish either._

_I guess what I’m really wondering is why he chose me. I would think it’s because we have so many classes in common, or because we have similar interests, but he latched onto me before he knew any of that. My face is not particularly attractive, nor am I particularly easy to get along with. Kanaya’s friends only tolerate me, so why does he seem to like me so much?_

_His crush is getting more obvious with every passing day. Thankfully, mine is not. Having a best friend is complicated enough. I don’t need to deal with a boyfriend._

_I wonder if I should get him something for Christmas?_

**_December 25, 2012  
_ ** _John got me numbers fifteen and sixteen of the DC comics, the exact ones I was missing, for Christmas. I didn’t even know he knew I wanted them. I sewed him a sweater for his gift. He seemed to really like it, but I feel like it pales in comparison._

**_December 27, 2012  
_ ** _I’ve been re-reading some of my past entries. Exactly at what point, I wonder, did I turn into a human adolescent female? Perhaps I should start hoarding chocolate and ice cream? I’ll go and buy some sanitary napkins in preparation immediately._

**_January 31, 2013  
_ ** _I have sunk to a new low. I’ve begun frequenting livejournal for fiction about Heir, even created my own tumblr dedicated to him. I’ve wrote some of my own, even, and they get decent reviews. It’s not something I’ll do too often, though. I feel my self-respect dwindling whenever I do._

_Though I will admit: knowing someone read and enjoyed my fiction? It’s a wonderful feeling. Maybe I’ll do something with fiction in the future. Not novel-writing, but perhaps screenwriting? I’m sure I have the ability to write in enough subtext to keep fans watching, if I can think of a decent enough plot._

**_May 14, 2013  
_ ** _I don’t think I’ve ever anyone as self-confident as John. The minute it becomes even the slightest bit warm, he starts stripping like a two-dollar whore in Vegas._

_I’m exaggerating, of course. But when John walks out of my shower during a sleepover, all nonchalant in his semi-nakedness, it’s hard to keep my stupid crush a secret. I’ll say this – he has a right to be confident. Most aren’t blessed with a body like that. I bet his dad makes him exercise a lot, since he used to be in the military. Navy, I think, or was it the air force?_

_Not that I only like him for his looks. It’s more than that. I can’t really explain why I like him so much. It’s the aggregate sum of everything that makes him John – his stupid bucked teeth and brain-damaged grin. The way he frowns at his homework like it’s insulted him. The way he plays with his food while he’s talking. How happy he looks right before he dives into a pool. That revolting smile he gives me when he thinks I’m not paying attention._

_Congratulations, Karkat, you have just been gifted one (1) free vagina. Offer available for a limited time only, while supplies last._

**_August 3, 2013  
_ ** _Tavros has moved out of the city. He won’t be attending my school for the new school year, but he’s close enough now that I can visit him without too much effort and vice versa. Luckily, my house is wheelchair accessible._

_He told me that it’s been getting more and more dangerous in the city lately. You would think that Heir’s presence would make people think twice before committing a crime, but not so. It seems their strategy is to wreak as much havoc as possible, under the assumption that Heir, being only one person, can’t catch them all. It hasn’t worked yet, but they’re still trying. I hope he stays safe._

_Tavros has this stupid idea – he thinks I should become a Hero as well. It’s a stupid plan. I don’t have any powers or anything special about me. He won’t shut up about it though._

**_August 17, 2013  
_ ** _Tavros has gotten Kanaya and her girlfriend in on his stupid scheme. Predictably, they think it’s a great idea. They’ve all started plotting together. Kanaya’s working on a design for my theoretical outfit and Rose has started planning the logistics behind the operation._

_It’s a waste of time, though. I’m not doing it._

**_August 20, 2013  
_ ** _Kanaya finished her design – it’s actually really cool looking, all red and black. One of them has even thought of a name: Hemogoblin._

_I’m still not doing it._

**_August 30, 2013  
_ ** _Heir almost got pretty badly hurt, last night. Some footage was caught and put on this morning’s news. Someone set a building on fire. While he was trying to get everyone out, the building nearly collapsed around him. The arsonist nearly escaped while he was getting everyone to safety, but Heir tracked him down a few blocks away and sent him to jail._

_Tavros said that it seemed like Heir could’ve used some help then. I agree with him._

**_August 31, 2013  
_ ** _I’ve decided to do it._

**_November 16, 2013  
_ ** _Kanaya finished the Hemogoblin outfit today. She made me go by her hose afterschool to try it on._

_I like it. It’s tight, which is a little uncomfortable as I’m used to more baggy clothing, but it’s unrestrictive and I can see the benefits of having an outfit that moves with me. I have no idea who she killed to get that kind of fabric – it’s light but also really sturdy. I think she may have woven some Kevlar into it for some extra padding in the essential areas. She took the liberty of creating fake horns for me also. They’re the same red as the costume, which is, coincidentally, the same red as my eyes. She told me I should take out my contacts, too. I don’t like the idea of it, but she told me everyone would assume they were fake._

_“Besides, if you’ve got it, flaunt it,” she said. I don’t think she was referring to my eyes there._

**_February 24, 2014  
_ ** _I finally got Crabdad’s permission to go yesterday. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Tavros commanded some animals to lead me to where I needed to go. He purposefully gave me some easier crimes since it was my first night. I was a little bit more tired than usual this morning, but the coffee John brought me took care of that._

**_April 1, 2014  
_ ** _I met Heir for the first time last night. I tried and mostly succeeded in being professional – no mouth-vomit, no proposals, no declarations of adoration._

_I think I managed to impress him. He seemed pretty intrigued by me, actually, almost as much as I was by him. He even seemed to be attracted to me, or at least to my figure. Even so, it was gratifying to see someone I admire so much look at me like that. Not that anything’s ever going to happen with him. Even if John and I are only friends, I care about him too much to have a fling with someone I essentially hero-worship._

_Speaking of John, I’ve been wondering if I should tell him. I’ve sworn Tavros, Kanaya, and Rose to secrecy, so it’ll be up to me. I think I will, as a matter of fact. Maybe in a few months, once I get used to this._

**_April 4, 2014  
_ ** _I’m astounded by the reception Hemogoblin’s received. I found some posters (that were even accurate) a few days back when I was with John and I’ve been in the news more and more since then. John seems a little starstuck, to be honest. It’s a little uncomfortable._

_Having met Heir as equals hasn’t stopped me from buying each new poster of him I see._

**_August 31, 2014  
_ ** _The new school year has only just begun and John and I are fighting. We’ve fought before, but it’s out first big argument, really. I found out he was Heir and he found out I was Hemogoblin._

_I sound so calm writing this now, but I’m really anything but. I feel so betrayed. He’s listened to me harp on and on about Heir for two years now, and never thought to mention that it was him? Is that why he chose me, because I ‘m obsessed with him? He’s supposed to be my best friend and he didn’t trust me with his secret._

_He used his “feelings” as an excuse why he didn’t tell me. I’m not even sure I can trust that anymore. How could he use that as an excuse? And he refused to believe my reason for not telling him. I’m not sure our friendship meant what I thought it did._

**_September 1, 2014  
_ ** _John left me coffee in my locker this morning. I know it was him; no one else knows my combination. He sits next to me in nearly all of my classes. I’ve ignored all of his attempts to talk to me, but seeing that sad look on his face was harder than I expected it to be._

**_September 3, 2014  
_ ** _John brought me coffee again this morning. Yesterday, too._

**_September 5, 2014  
_ ** _Kanaya and Rose have been giving me these disapproving looks. I don’t blame them. I’ve been thinking about what I said, and I really didn’t mean most of it.  I was angry and yelling the first thing that came to my mind, like usual._

_It was unfair of me to throw his feelings into his face. I know he was honest about saying he loved me. If I’m honest, I’m in love with him too. I didn’t tell him that, though, thinking, “Now’s not a good time.” It wasn’t a good time, but I can accept that I was mostly afraid of admitting it. I’ve spent so much time focusing on hiding the way I feel about him and so much time talking about Heir – it was a perfectly valid assumption for him to make._

_And why have I been hiding the way I feel about him? Because it would make things “complicated?” It wouldn’t have changed anything and I knew it. Everyone assumes we’re dating either way. We couldn’t act more like a stereotypical couple if we tried._

_My own “excuse” was bullshit. A few more days until I told him, a few more weeks, a few more months. What was I waiting for? I was scared, but what was I scared of? I knew it wouldn’t change his perception of me. Just like he said, he had a crush on Hemogoblin, but he was in love with me. Did I think he’d suddenly stop liking me for me and like me for Hemogoblin instead?_

_Isn’t that exactly what he was afraid of? I really am a hypocrite._

**_September 10, 2014  
_ ** _People have been asking me why John and I broke up and won’t believe me when I say we weren’t together. “You don’t have to lie,” they say._

_“You were cute together.”_

_“You were good for each other.”_

_I miss him. I’m ready to end this, but I don’t know how. It’s just more excuses, but I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to make him believe me._

**_September 12, 2014  
_ ** _I’ve decided to give him this journal and let him see for himself. Kanaya and Tavros agree it’s a good idea._

_I hope he’ll forgive me. I hope I haven’t ruined this for good._

After reading the last entry, John nearly ran over to Karkat’s house right then and there. But then he reconsidered and thought about it. There was a reason Karkat had given him the journal on a Friday afternoon and told him to take his time. They were done with rash decisions now; he needed to think his actions through carefully.

The journal had certainly illuminated things for him. It was nice to know that Karkat had felt the same way about him for nearly as long as he had, but frustrating as well. John accepted that Karkat was scared, accepted that there was time lost that would never be given back and moved on from that.

It was also nice to know that Karkat cared more about him than Heir, as it was something that he’d been self-conscious about for a while. Even before Karkat discovered that he was Heir, he’d made his choice.

Knowing from experience how disconcerting it was when the person you loved hero-worshiped a side of you they didn’t know, he accepted Karkat’s confusion over feeling jealous of himself.

Monday morning, he presented himself at Karkat’s locker bright and early, coffee in hand. Karkat looked almost shocked to see him there. John waited for Karkat to finish the drink before he spoke.

“I’ve decided we’re both idiots,” he announced. “Do you forgive me for being stupid?”

“Seeing as I’ve been pining over you for the past few weeks like the heroine out of some half-baked romance novel and I’m pretty sure even the school’s gossip mill is tired of rehashing our supposed break up – completely ignoring the fact that we weren’t dating – I think the answer to that is clear.”

John leaned forward and kissed the corner of Karkat’s stupid mouth. “I love the way you can’t just say ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ I forgive you too, idiot.”

“I think we should talk about this more,” Karkat insisted. “Afterschool?”

“My house or yours?” There was no mistaking the suggestion in John’s tone.

“Yours,” Karkat answered, his pupils dilating and his breath coming just a bit faster. “Your dad won’t be home.”


End file.
